Ask Dr. Nerdlove

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: To start, I’m not the best at socializing; I seem to normally skew more towards listening and observing, and while I’ve gotten better at being social over the years, it’s still something that doesn’t come naturally.

My closest friend, on the other hand, is very extroverted and generally socializes as easily as one breathes, and needless to say, he’s very successful when it comes to befriending people, hooking up, going on dates, etc. Logically, I know it shouldn’t bother me, and I shouldn’t compare myself to others, but it still stings to see him do all this with such apparent ease, and it ends up making me feel very invisible.

I know these feelings aren’t healthy, and I don’t want to risk damaging what is otherwise one of the best friendships I’ve ever had, so how can I manage or overcome my feelings of jealousy?

What I Do In The Shadows

DEAR WHAT I DO IN THE SHADOWS: Man, this question comes up a lot, huh?

So, I’m not gonna lie, WIDTC: As I’ve said before, this is a letter that I could’ve written back in my teens and 20s. I have, quite literally, been there, done that and built a career out of it.

Growing up, I was very much in the same position you were. While it certainly didn’t help that I was dealing with undiagnosed ADHD, I was a very unsocial person. While I could connect with folks — I had lots of friends — I was awful at meeting girls, worse at flirting and dating was a crapshoot at best. 

(I’d say I was on the bleeding edge of online dating with the girls I met and “dated” off what were functionally glorified BBS systems but that would imply that those relationships lasted longer than a week and a half in person. Also, quite frankly, the way they both went down and the way I acted over the course of both of them is still embarrassing…)

Now to make matters worse, my good friend Miles (not his real name) was always in the picture. Miles is one of those guys who radiates charisma like a social Chernobyl. It wasn’t enough that he was naturally charming and delightful and stupidly talented and good looking, he was also one of the genuinely nicest and sweetest guys you could ever meet. So you honestly couldn’t even hate him, he was just that good. But it was certainly possible to resent him because, when it came to girls, he was almost supernaturally gifted in all the areas where I sucked. He was so magnetic that he was a danger to electronics and VHS tapes, whereas I was… not. And, like you, when he was around, I may as well have been invisible.

This, needless to say, did not do good things for my self-esteem when I was younger. But then again, in a very real way, it was Miles who put me on the path to where I am today. Like… literally. A woman I was flirting with at a wedding hooked up with him instead, which lead to my  discovering Neil Strauss’ The Game, joining the PUA community and eventually leaving the community. So I have Miles to thank for a lot of my current life… even if, at the time, I really resented him.

All that having been said, time and perspective has changed my view of those days and I wince a lot at myself from back then. Granted, I was working with the best information I had at the time, but it’s still kind of cringe. However, it also means that I’m probably the best person you could have turned to with this question because you get to benefit from my experience without having to, y’know, live through it all first.

So I’m going to give you what I’ve learned over the years. It’s important that you take this all in, in no small part because it all ties together. It may seem like I’m giving you feel-good bulls--t, the empty calories of dating advice, but I promise you: internalize these lessons and you will not only learn to not resent your friend, but you’ll improve your own life in the process.

Here’s the first thing to take in: life isn’t a zero sum game. Your friend’s success and social ease doesn’t take away from you or your opportunities. It certainly feels like it, don’t get me wrong. It’s hard not to think “well, if you weren’t here, I’d have a shot.” Except there’s the part that we keep forgetting: that the women that he’s talking to are people too, with agency and preferences and interests… and those are all part of what attract them to him. It’s not just that he’s extroverted and charismatic, it’s that he’s him, specifically. It’s not that they would’ve been into anyone but he was the best choice in the room; it’s that they like things about him.

And while that seems like a comment on you, it isn’t. Think about it; how many women do you see on a daily basis that you just aren’t attracted to, especially when one you are attracted to is around? It’s not that you’re repulsed by the others or you think they’re lesser or subhuman, it’s just that you don’t feel anything for them. That doesn’t make them less or worse than the person you’re into, nor does your not being attracted to them make you shallow or less of a good person. It’s just that they don’t have the je ne sais quois that draws you to the other woman.

So turn that around for a second; it’s not that you’re lesser than your friend or that his success somehow takes away from you. It’s just that he’s very good at meeting and hooking up with the folks who are into him… people who aren’t into you, for reasons that often have nothing to do with you, any more than your not being into those other women is a judgement on them.

You’re capable of having your own successes and your own romances. You may well even find success with folks that your friend might be into. His existence and presence in your life doesn’t take away from yours. You’re on parallel but distinctly different paths.

That actually brings us to point number two, which is ties into this: you will never have his success because you aren’t living his life. You are living your own, and this means that you aren’t going to be subject to the same forces and changes that made him who he is and who you are. If you were to replicate every move he made and tried to do things exactly like he did, you would have entirely different results. Just as nobody has been able to replicate the success of World of Warcraft — no matter how hard they tried — you won’t be able replicate his success, because you’re unique, just as he is. In order to have his success, you would have to live his exact life from birth with every single experience and choice he made, at the time when he made them. All of those ephemeral influences that only existed in that very precise time and place are part of what made him who he is — influences that nobody could track or plan for. You were just as influenced by infinite circumstances that you were never aware of nor could control, and those made you you, unique in all the universe.

So rather than envy him and resenting him for what he has that you don’t, recognize that his circumstances are different from yours and his journey is also different. You don’t need to be him; you need to be you and find your success in the ways that are in alignment with your personality, your values and your interests. Those will be different from his and that’s fine. The issue here isn’t that you’re bad for wanting what he has, it’s that you’re treating him as the thing you need to be measured by. And he isn’t. His success isn’t your yardstick; it’s not even necessarily what you want or need. It feels like it now, but only because you haven’t found your path and your success yet.

But he can help you get there. The third thing to learn is, rather than resenting him, let him inspire you. Because here’s something I learned over the years: social skills are skills. Your friend didn’t come out of the womb as a perfectly charismatic being, any more than Miles did. He learned those skills, same as everyone does. He may have had gifts that made learning those skills easier for him and circumstances that meant he picked them up earlier than you… but he still had to learn them. Does your learning them later than he did mean that there’s something wrong with you? No; this implies that there’s a universal standard and there isn’t. You’re on your own path and your own timeline; looking at anyone else’s as anything other than a general guide is a mistake.

What this means is that what your friend can do, you can learn how to do as well, because it’s a skill. It’s a matter of learning and practice, putting that knowledge to work, making mistakes and learning from them. For years, I believed in the dating binary; either you were good with women or you weren’t, and there was nothing that you can do about it. For all the toxic s--t I found myself swimming in when I joined the PUA community, I gotta give them credit: they taught me that this was bulls--t. The most important thing I learned was that could learn to do better with women. I learned how to be more social, how to talk to women and flirt and present myself in the most flattering way possible. Miles may have learned it earlier than I did, and he may have had some starting bonuses that I didn’t… but I still learned. And once I realized that these were skills, not inborn qualities, I realized that Miles wasn’t my competition, he was someone to look up to. If Miles had to learn how to do all of this, then I could to. Would I ever be as good as him? No idea, but it also didn’t matter, because “good” is a bulls--t metric in this case. What’s “good” for Miles is different for me, because I’m not Miles and he’s not me. My wants and needs are different from his and that’s ok.

The same goes for you, WIDITS. Your friend had to learn the skills he has. You can learn them as well. The only difference is when you learn them vs. when he did… and that’s just part of your personal journey. Your picking up a skill later than someone else doesn’t make you worse than them, it just means that you learned it later than they did. It does mean that he’s had more practice than you… but that’s not relevant, because you don’t need to be perfect. You, quite literally, just need to be good enough. You can make all kinds of mistakes and still succeed. I have quite literally choked when talking to women and still pulled it back from the brink because I was good enough.

The whole thing to remember is that this isn’t a competition. I refer you back to the part about this not being a zero-sum game. You and he aren’t competing. Even if you the two of you were interested in the same woman, you’re not actually competing because women don’t come to every interaction perfectly neutral and pick the guy with the most points in Charm. They all have their own preferences, their own compatibilities and the things that draw them to one person,  not the other. Someone who’s into you isn’t going to pick your buddy because he’s got the gift of gab or whatever; your success or failure (such as it is) with her is entirely about you and her. It’s a choice between you and him, it’s a choice between you and not you.

And one last thing: being happy for his success helps you. I get that this makes little sense, but it ties firmly into a truth: our outlook and our attitude defines our world. The things we think and the attitude we bring to everything affects how we see the world, how we respond to it and — importantly — how other people respond to us. Part of what held me back for so long was my resentment of Miles’ success. I was bitter because I thought that Miles was somehow taking things that would have been mine if he wasn’t around. Part of my journey was recognizing that my bitterness, resentment and entitlement were getting in the way. It made me a less pleasant person to be around. I blamed my failures on not being as good as him and my negative attitude meant that I didn’t try as hard — why should I, if I had failed before I even started? I didn’t bounce back from my failures because I thought that there wasn’t any point to making more than a token effort. When those failed, then I took that as “proof” that I was stupid for even bothering to try. And of course, my bitterness radiated out of me; everyone could see it and it drove people away. Who wants to be around someone who grumps and complains about how much better his friend has it?

It even took time after I started to improve before I realized how stupid I was being and how unfair I was being to Miles — who, I need to emphasize, has always been wonderful to me. Recognizing that my issues were my own and he had nothing to do with them helped me realize that it wasn’t about winning or losing. It was about being happy for him because he’s my friend and deserves good things and I’m thrilled when he gets those good things. Making that mental shift made me happier over all and it improved my success. Why? Because now I wasn’t treating this as a competition because we weren’t competing. His success and happiness took nothing from me; if anything it made things better, because happiness isn’t a zero-sum game either.

So it is with you and your friend. His living an awesome life and his successes are something to be happy about because he’s your friend and his having a great life means the two of you have an even better time when you hang out. And being happy for other people makes you happy, just as being grateful for what your friends bring to your life makes your life better. It can be positive motivation for you, something that helps you strive further and work harder.

Oh, and if he’s as good of a friend as you say? Then he wants you to be happy and successful too.

So take his desire for you to be happy and successful and use that as encouragement. Look at his life and say to yourself “hey, I can learn how to do this too! I want to find my version of this!” and let that help push you forward when things are hard and everything looks bleak. You will find your path, rather than being hung up about not being on his. It’ll look different than his, and that’s ok! 

But most importantly: it’ll help you and him be closer, better friends, because you won’t have this unnecessary barrier between you two.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I was reading this article (https://www.doctornerdlove.com/why-wont-my-husband-treat-his-mental-illness/) and some points you made, hit too close to home and wanted to get your opinion.

The gist of my question is: Do I have an undiagnosed ADHD in my mid 50’s ?

Let me explain where I am coming from. I was raised as an only child, mainly by a grandmother, an aunt and dad. Mom, was not much of a mom and was not in the picture while I was very young. She used to disappear and go live with her family for months, before showing up again for a short time and this cycle repeated it self over and again. While she was around, she was not a lovey-dovey kind. As a matter of fact, I still clearly remember actions of hostility towards me 50 years later.

My grandma and my aunt, doted over me on the other hand and I never felt lack of parental love. My dad loved me too, no questions asked. He never married in order not to put me in an environment with a stepmother and my aunt, dad’s sister, never married just to take care of me in my mother’s absence. My mother left the family picture, for good when I was 11 and since then, I saw her for a day or two every year, when her brother came to our city for taking care of some business contract.

As much as this sounds like a dysfunctional family picture, I was a happy child and was happy to see my mother leave for good. I was a little more than usual reclusive person as a child and did not make friends with everybody in the grade school easily but I had a few very good friends.

I was an exemplary student throughout my K-12 education. I sailed through those years with no problem and got admitted to a reputable engineering program at the local (to our city) university. This is where I started to make friends with people and came out of my self-proclaimed, introvert shell. Even though I struggled in my first two years in college, I graduated without any loss of years or even a semester. If you haven’t figured out yet, I became ad engineer. A problem solver if you will.

Now, I need to point out something in my life. My family held education ahead of everything and this notion was instilled to me all my life. I also saw people who start dating early in their lives, faltering through school years. So,I did not have girlfriend while I were in school, till I graduated from the masters program. I had female friends and I had no problem talking to them, but having a girlfriend has never happened. And I need to take a big part of responsibility on that.

Let me dig into that a little deeper. I was never a small frame child. I started first grade as a 4 ft 5 inches tall kid who weighed 84 lbs. When I graduated from High school, I was 5’10 and 240 lbs. An obese person. This did a lot on me. I was not confident and always had a fear of rejection on the back of my mind. So, I did not even try to have a girlfriend. In the hindsight, I now realize, I was totally oblivious to some signs of interest from few “female friends” but, let’s say it like that, past is past and no need to dwell on that.

I had my first girlfriend when I was 35. Relationship started great. She was also obese but were doing great on losing the bulge battle. So was I. Our relationship blossomed and we had some troubles we got back together and we finally got married 3 years down the road. Marriage lasted almost 9 years. But our cultural differences caused the demise of that marriage.

2 years after we have been legally separated, I met my current wife. We lived in “sin” for about 4 years and I resisted the idea of marriage, probably because I have never seen a successful one, but since it was important to her, I gave in and we got married 4 years ago.

Sorry for the long preamble but, I thought you might see something that I might have missed. My wife is a good person in the core, but our marriage is not a match made in heaven.

My wife loves to talk. I do not. I try to listen to her but when she starts going into too many tangents of a subject matter, I start to lose concentration and she gets upset. If you remember, I am an engineer, a problem solver. Tell me your problem and I will fix it or tell you it is beyond me and you need to seek help from a person, who is qualified better than I am. She tells me stuff that happened between her and another coworker of hers. Yes it is interesting if there is something that can be done about it but most of the time there is not or she doesn’t accept my suggested solution and keeps talking my ear off. So, your comment about the “going in one ear and out the other” on the referenced article applies to me very well. And there are other instances of finding myself not listening to her as she talks.

She also loves to say the same thing many times, over and over again until it turns into a full blown fight. And once it is over (which is never quick, takes hours) she is fine and expects me to be fine with that. I am not. It festers in my mind for days. I try to let it go but some small snide remark she makes abut something, which is not rare, brings everything back up. And back to the rabbit hole I go, of not listening. And this is getting worse.

Also, The comment about, “you know you have to write that book report, but you can not bring yourself up to it and do other things with fervor instead” comment. Yeah that is so me.

I have never been diagnosed with ADHD or any other mental issue so far. But in its day, when I was growing up, you did not hear ADHD every day. But I was never that hyperactive kid who couldn’t concentrate on one thing. My parents never had a reason to take me to a child psychiatrist or similar. So, I am quite confused.

Do I have ADHD that I don’t know about or what ?

Looking Around Confused

DEAR LOOKING AROUND CONFUSED: OK, LAC, the first thing I have to remind you is that Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor; I’m a real fake doctor, with the best doctorate in metaphysics that twenty bucks could buy. But even if I were, I couldn’t diagnose you via a letter. That’s something that you would need to actually discuss with a medical professional, especially someone who specializes in psychological testing. They’re going to be in a much better position to tell you whether you have ADHD or other mental health conditions than I ever would be. And hey, if some of what folks have  shared about their experiences sounds familiar, that’s a perfectly legitimate reason to look into getting tested. My own journey to getting diagnosed started when memes on Facebook and Twitter just started getting far too relatable.

All of that having been said: nothing you’ve described in your letter — either in your preamble or in your current relationship — sounds like ADHD to me. Going by what you’ve written, it sounds like you had a contentious relationship with your family, issues with body image and acceptance and self-esteem. Now, to be absolutely clear: this isn’t a declaration that you do or don’t have ADHD, just that what you describe doesn’t match my experience with my condition. This is why I recommend talking to a mental health professional. The fact that my experience was different doesn’t mean anything; a lot of what I recognize as symptoms now were because of how much having this was an underlying factor. But like I said: it doesn’t sound like ADHD as I’ve experienced it.

Similarly, what you describe about your current marriage sounds like issues of compatibility and communication, more than anything else. Take, for example, the tangents issue and the idea that you’re a problem solver. This can cause conflicts, because you’re likely missing what your wife is getting at. The odds are that she’s not asking you to solve things; she’s just sharing this aspect of her life with you. To the extent that she wants anything from you in those moments, it’s likely that she wants a sympathetic ear and some commiseration. More often than not, she knows what the answer is or what she needs to do, she’s just venting.

This, incidentally, is an issue a lot of guys have. They look for things to solve or fix — active solutions that they can contribute to. What they often don’t realize is that listening is an active solution; you’re providing the sounding board that lets your partner sort things out. Letting things go “in one ear and out the other” is going to come off as incredibly disrespectful to her because she’s trying her best to connect with you. Since you don’t see a “problem” to be fixed, you tune out… and thus you’re effectively telling her that you don’t care.

I’m not exactly surprised that this leads to conflict. It also sounds like either you and your wife have different fighting “styles”, or that things aren’t actually getting resolved. Some folks blow up and things get very loud and dramatic, but when they’re done, they’re done; the moment’s passed, the fight’s over, everything should be ok again now that everyone’s aired their grievances via volume. Others need to process and chew on things until they get to a reasonable conclusion, and that can take time. When you have a person who expects things to be resolved, while the other is still dwelling on it… well, there’s gonna be ugliness if they don’t find a way to come to a resolution.

And if she’s needling you until you blow up again… well, from what you’ve described, it could either be that she’s just picking fights, or she’s teasing you over something she legitimately thinks is resolved and doesn’t realize its’ still an issue for you. And considering you go back to not listening, it seems pretty clear that s--t isn’t getting resolved, no matter what.

So while I’d recommend getting tested if you want to get an answer to the ADHD question, that should probably take a back seat to getting your ass into couple’s counseling right the f--k now. It sounds like you and your wife have major communication issues and frankly, the way you seem to be acting towards her is incredibly disrespectful at best. If you want this marriage to work, counseling is going to have to be the start, so that you and she can see if there are ways to get around this fundamental disconnect. And even if you don’t decide that this is something you want to save, working with a couple’s counselor might help you recognize why you two are having compatibility issues, so you don’t make the same mistakes next time.

TL;DR: it doesn’t sound like you have ADHD, but talk to a real doctor, not a loudmouth with an advice column to get that answer. But whether you do or don’t have it, you need to make couple’s counseling a priority — and it needs to be a higher priority than getting tested.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I turned my life around, but still can’t find a date. I suppose I’m your typical young adult geek. I live in a small apartment with collectible toys on shelves. I play video games, gossip on pop culture websites and don’t sleep well unless I’ve watched an episode of Star Trek to make me comfortable in bed. I’m also short, pudgy and often feel quite unattractive. I’ve had a single long-term relationship a few years ago, but things have been quiet since.

I felt my life was going in a direction I didn’t like — so I made a drastic move. I went to law school to become a lawyer. I learned how to network and how to build up my self-confidence. I started a busy career. I face professionals who have a lot more experience than me — and I win. It makes me proud to say that I’m good at what I do.

On the one hand, I want my story to inspire other geeks who lack self-confidence. We can use our inherent smarts to take go wherever we want to go. However, I’m somewhat more abject to admit that my dating world hasn’t changed.

I’m still the same old toy collecting Trekkie despite my “new” life. Heck, I once wrote an article in law school about how Federation captains can legally analyze their duties under the Prime Directive.

I thought a new career would make me more appealing to women. I’m a really kind person (like most geeks), and hoped that women would see me for my personality and my success. So much has changed for the better, but I’m still alone and left wondering what else society expects me to do. I like who I am — and I don’t want to change, but at the same time it hurts. I feel that no matter what, women are going to see me as a pudgy geek until the day I either get lucky — or throw my toys out and watch a football game.

Thanks for your guidance,

Geek, Esq.

DEAR GEEK, ESQ: First of all, congratulations on what you’ve accomplished GE. Changing up your life is no small feat; making a hard pivot to law school and changing your career is an impressive achievement. You should be proud of yourself and what you’ve accomplished, as well as the good it’s done for you.

I understand how frustrating it can be to have made such significant changes and still feel like you’re missing something. That’s why I want to zero in, not on what has changed, but hasn’t changed.

Let’s start with the most obvious. You say a lot about what you’re doing differently with your job… but you don’t tell me about anything you’re doing differently with women. And that, I think, is one of the problems. Now, maybe there’ve been changes there too that you didn’t mention. But from what you’ve written, it sounds like you haven’t done anything differently in your social life, and that’s going to be an issue.

This was the first thing that leapt out at me: “I thought a new career would make me more appealing to women. I’m a really kind person (like most geeks), and hoped that women would see me for my personality and my success.” Again, maybe you’ve phrased things awkwardly here, but it sounds like you were hoping that just getting your law degree and starting your new career would make all the difference without having to change anything else. The thing is: that’s not how it works. That’s not how any of it works. It’s great that you have an awesome new career, that you’re having excellent success and it’s done good things for your self-esteem. But if you haven’t taken your ability to change and grow, as well as your newfound self-esteem, and applied it to your social life… well, nothing is going to change. It’s not as though women are going to hear you’re a lawyer and start sliding you their phone numbers. Nor, for that matter, are they gonna smell the success on you and do the work for you. Changing your career isn’t the end of this process; if anything, it’s just part of it.

It doesn’t do any good for you to change that aspect of your life and leave everything else the same. If you want things to be different, then you have to do things differently.

And, man, you already know this. You did this with your career. So, apply that to your social life. How much are you talking to people, making connections and building relationships with them? Not romantic relationships, but just friendships and social connections? How many times have you hung out and talked with folks just for the joy of having a conversation with a fascinating stranger? You’ve gotten better at networking… have you applied those skills at meeting folks just because they seem cool? The more you cultivate your social skills and focus on meeting people in general, the better you get at connecting with people you’re attracted to. The skills that help you make new friends are the exact same skills that help you meet potential lovers; the only difference is how you apply them.

If you haven’t started… well, hey, now you know what your next steps are. You can apply that intellect and drive that got you through law school to boosting your charisma and connecting with folks, building your social circle and helping further build out your awesome new life.

And of course, working on your social circle means that you have more opportunities to meet amazing women — either by bringing them in directly or meeting them through your friends.

However, that’s not the only thing that’s leapt out at me — nor does it sound like this is the only thing that hasn’t changed. This part is also pretty significant: “I feel that no matter what, women are going to see me as a pudgy geek until the day I either get lucky — or throw my toys out and watch a football game.”

That, quite frankly, screams to me that you feel like your being a geek is shameful or holding you back. And… well, yes, of course it is. I mean, when you’re framing this as something that you need to apologize for, or that you see as being a dealbreaker to women, it’s absolutely going to salt your game. Nobody is going to be drawn to someone who feels like the things he loves are things that nobody else could like. That sort of mindset is going to poison everything you do. It’s going to sabotage your confidence when you’re talking to people, it’s going to cut your legs out from under you when you try to talk about what you’re into, and it’s absolutely going to send up red flags to people you want to date… because you are treating it like a red flag.

Now part of the problem could well be who you’re trying to date. If you’re trying to meet and date women who just don’t like geek guys, then as the sage says: “Well there’s your problem.” The obvious answer is to put more effort into meeting women who, if they don’t share your interests, are at least able to understand and appreciate them. People who think that Star Trek is stupid or that toys are for children are demonstrably not compatible with you. You and they have conflicting values and interests; even if the two of you had steaming chemistry, the fundamental disconnect in your passions would kill that relationship deader than disco. You can’t maintain a relationship with someone who can’t at least respect your passions.

But at the same time: part of that confidence — and vulnerability, for that matter — means loving who you are and what you love without apology. When you use “geek” to describe yourself in a derogatory way, that’s a pretty strong indicator that you feel like this is something you need to compensate for, not something you’re proud of. You need to cultivate an attitude of “Damn right I’m a geek and it’s awesome,” rather than looking at it like some childish thing that needs to be put aside. If they don’t vibe with that or think that it’s something shameful then hey, that’s a them problem, not a you problem. As far as you’re concerned, they’ve self-selected out of your dating pool and the only thing you’ve missed out on is a match that would never have worked anyway.

It also sounds like you’ve got a pretty narrow idea of what a geek is or can be. That may also be part of your problem. A lot of geeky folks tend to see geekdom as being essentialist and limiting, rather than expansive. While I get that a lot of us grew up with an aversion to sports because of the jerks we met who were into them — or the popular kids at school leaning more towards athletics, for that matter — the fact is that being a geek should be a “yes, and” situation, not an “instead of”. I mean, you can binge the hell out of Deep Space Nine and Lower Decks and still enjoy sports. A good friend of mine is a giant nerd who’s also a huge sports and pro-wrestling fan. These aren’t two diametrically opposed interests; they’re just the things he loves.

If you’re dismissing folks because of their more mainstream interests, then you’re kinda making the same mistake that folks make when they dismiss you for being a geek. If you’re talking smack about someone who’s excited for the Bills take on the Saints, then you’re doing the same thing that people do if they mock you for loving video games or collecting toys. It’s important to remember that just as you want people who can at least respect your interests, you want to give them the same respect. You want to model the behavior you want to see from others in your own life.

So do yourself a favor. Do a little introspection and self-appraisal. How much have you changed your behavior towards meeting people and building your social circle? How much are you feeling as though you need to apologize for being a geek or for loving the things you love? Are you meeting folks who share or respect your interests? Just as importantly: are you respecting theirs, even if you don’t share or understand them?

Spend some time focusing on those questions, and I think you’ll start finding the areas that you need to work on. Then you should take that intellect and drive that’s brought you so far and apply it to finding some answers. When you do, I think you’ll find that your love life makes the same awesome improvements that your professional life has.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com