DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: How do I stop feeling bad about lack of sex and not being able to get it? This has been an issue for me pre- and post-COVID. I’m a thirty-something heterosexual male who’s never identified as traditionally masculine, was a late bloomer in dating and never really found fulfillment in my twenties. I’ve learned a lot about myself since then and now know the types of people I click with the best, but the pandemic has put a huge wrench in my ability to seek what I look for even with all the education and “tools” for growth that people like you teach.

I’ve done my best to educate myself about toxic masculinity, I don’t give a s--t about status or admiration from male peers (I’m just not interested in associating with heteronormative men, and my “male” friends are on the queer spectrum and don’t encourage unhealthy conversations about sex), I don’t watch porn, I make sure my masturbation habits are healthy and have a toy that I use for “maintenance”, and yet I’m still feeling miserable without being to share the experience with another human being. It’s the collection of emotions, senses, smell, touch, noises, and everything about it that I just can’t find from solo sex, VR, toys, porn, etc. Am I a sex addict or something? I feel broken about suffering from so much angst and depression about this, and my therapist isn’t really helpful in talking about this issue. I want to change therapists but there’s a severe lack of resources I can access and don’t even know where to begin with finding a therapist that understands male sexuality without shaming or giving platitudes.

My “love language” is physical and before the pandemic I had several people I could call cuddle buddies to help with skin hunger, but we are not sexual and the ones I am attracted to aren’t available or are not interested in me sexually. Due to the serious restrictions in my area, I can’t even find a person to create a “bubble” with until there’s a vaccine (which will be delayed in my area due to government f--k ups). Online apps have not been helpful for me either and I’ve done everything I can to take personal responsibility to improve my experience but it’s just an exercise in rejection and constant disappointment.

Things are really not looking well for economic recovery in my area and it feels like it will be years before things are back to “normal” with opportunities and etc. How can I survive a few more years of this?

Impending Basket Case

DEAR IMPENDING BASKET CASE: So first off, IBC, let’s clear something up right away: you’re not a sex addict (in part because sex addiction isn’t a thing), nor are you broken. You’re just lonely. The fact that masturbation isn’t necessarily cutting it for you doesn’t mean that you’re addicted or that there’s something wrong with you, it means that you’re starved for human physical contact. Humans are built with an inherent need for touch and physical contact with other people. Touch is one of the ways that we generate oxytocin, it’s part of how we form bonds with others, and it’s an important form of communication with people in our lives. When we cut ourselves off — or are cut off — from physical contact with others, we suffer for it, mentally and emotionally. There’s actually a surprisingly poetic name for this condition: skin hunger. We are literally craving the emotional and physical connection with others, and we’re noticing the difference between the amount that we need, and the amount that we are receiving.

And COVID is exacerbating this in a big, big way.

While it’s easy to focus on the loneliness of not having a romantic or sexual partner, the distancing and quarantining demanded by the COVID-19 pandemic is affecting everyone by drastically reducing the amount of even incidental touch we have in our lives. Whether it’s hugging our loved ones or even the touch we don’t think about or that doesn’t necessarily register AS touch — someone cutting your hair, working with a physical trainer and so on — we are all feeling a distinct lack of touch in our lives, and that’s drastically escalating the feeling of isolation and loneliness that was already at epic levels.

Unfortunately, it’s really, really difficult — nearly impossible — to replace authentic touch from others. We can laugh about the “Oh Japan” memes that go around about someone inventing a device to simulate holding your partner’s hand or feeling like someone’s cuddling with you in bed, but they’re attempts to fill a very real void and sense of lack… and frankly, they don’t really work.

There just isn’t a substitute for the real thing, as it turns out.

That’s why the problem you’re dealing with isn’t a lack of sex, IBC, it’s a lack of connection and contact. Masturbation scratches one particular itch, but not the whole, because the issue is a holistic one.

So what can you do about all of this?

First of all: yes, it definitely sounds like you need to switch therapists. One of the things people don’t realize is that finding a therapist is a lot like finding a romantic partner; you need one who you feel understands you, one you feel comfortable with and who you feel you can connect with. This is why many people have bad experiences with therapy; they have the wrong therapist entirely. Now like I said: I don’t think sex is your problem, but finding a therapist who’s sex-positive and doesn’t shame people for their sexuality isn’t as hard as it used to be. The American Association of Sexual Educators, Counselors and Therapists has a referral directory that can help you find a therapist in your area. However, even if there aren’t any therapists within driving distance, there are plenty who take clients remotely via Zoom or Skype or telemedicine apps.

(In fact, COVID has sparked something of a revolution in telemedicine, especially with therapy; this is one of the few upsides to the whole situation.)

Second of all: there are other ways of getting your need for touch met, even during the pandemic. Some of them are a little trickier, simply because of the risk of COVID exposure, especially as cases go up during the holiday season, but they do exist. There are massage therapists who are still working and who’ve implemented changes in order to minimize (but not eliminate) the risk of transmission. Finding one who is rigorous about safety protocols — or even will take clients in outdoor settings, assuming the climate in your area permits it — can help you ease your need for touch and contact. Similarly, pets actually help ease skin-hunger. Cuddling with your dog or cat goes a long way towards easing that sense of isolation and helps dial back that desperate sense of loneliness and needing to connect with another living being. It’s not the same thing as having a partner with you, but it definitely helps.

Third: don’t necessarily give up on dating apps as a way of meeting people. While yes, dating apps can be frustrating during the best of times and dating during COVID has created a host of new and unique challenges, they’re still the best way of meeting someone while the lockdowns are still in effect. Much of finding success on dating apps requires trial and error and learning how to use them to the best effect. I’ve written a lot about the best practices for online dating, so be sure to check the archives.

But another thing to consider is how much of your issues are regional, and whether you’d be better served finding a way to move elsewhere. While I will freely admit that this is easier said than done, if a lot of your problems come from where you live, then making arrangements to f--k off to greener pastures might well be the thing that helps give you the emotional resilience to grit your teeth and hang in until the vaccines are available to the wider population. Part of what has been so frustrating for everyone during the pandemic is the open-ended nature of it and the uncertainty of the future. Humans as a species don’t do well with uncertainty; it makes us deeply uncomfortable. Knowing that an end is in sight — that there’s a goal we can work towards and achieve, or that there’s a point where a vaccine will be available — is frequently the thing that gives people the push they need to hang in there. Putting as much money into a “Get The Hell Outta Dodge” fund, searching for jobs and apartments in new cities or even hitting up your friends in other areas for info could well be the thing that gives you the hope you need that will give you the strength to grit your teeth and power through. Even slow progress is still progress, and seeing your funds grow can help inspire you to hold on and push even harder.

You’re in a s--tty situation, IBC, and it’s completely understandable that you feel the way you feel. But you’re not even a little broken. You’re just a reasonable person in an unreasonable situation, trying to cope with things as best you can.

You’re not helpless and you’re not hopeless.  It sucks now, but it will get better. You just need to gather the tools and resources that will help you make it through.

You’ve got this.

All will be well.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: Hope you are well and safe. I am a 28 year old single guy who has never been in a relationship or had sex, just kissing stages. I just have this query which has been bugging me and would like guidance on.

I have friends of mine who have been bugging me (to the point that I am getting fed up) to go and join a gym and work out constantly because that would be the golden ticket for me to get laid on a regular basis. Now whenever I start a gym membership, I always end up quitting after 3 months because it’s really not my thing. I much prefer walks in the countryside to be honest.

Now back to the subject personally I think it’s a bit pathetic and desperate joining a gym just to boost ones sex life. It helps yes but I feel that one should exercise in order to feel healthy and not as an excuse to get laid only (correct me if I am wrong). And also back to my friends at one point they mentioned that if I am going to enter a relationship, being a fit guy is what I would need to bring to the table in a relationship, which completely pissed me off.

What are your thoughts please?

Thanks,

Not Exercise Hater

DEAR NOT EXERCISE HATER: My thought is that there’re a couple of issues here.

First and foremost is that while I believe that it’s good for people to work on their overall physical fitness, the idea that you “need” to join a gym in order to get fit. While personally I love going to the gym and find a lot of value there, exercise and physical fitness aren’t defined strictly by what you can accomplish on a treadmill or with free weights. There are many, many different ways to achieve physical fitness that don’t necessarily mean pumping iron or training like you’re getting ready to fight Ivan Drago. Playing in various amateur sports leagues or having a twice or three-times weekly basketball game with your friends is one way. So is swimming, dancing or practicing martial arts. People who throw bales of hay around, work with livestock, do construction work or other forms of manual labor are, likewise, getting quite a bit of exercise in ways that don’t involve going to the gym.  Or you can go for long walks, like you prefer. After all, walking at a brisk clip for an hour will net you the same calorie burn as jogging for a half-hour without potentially screwing up your knees or giving you shin-splints.

(And that’s especially true in a time when we’re in a global pandemic and the vast majority of gyms simply aren’t safe…)

Second is that “fit” and being “in shape” is going to look very different to different people. There’s an assumption that “being fit” or “being in shape” is going to look like Brad Pitt in Fight Club, and it isn’t. In fact, most of the people we think of when we think “fit” or “in shape” tend to be at their least strong. Most of the time, they’re dehydrated as hell and woozy from the unbalanced eating that it took to get to that particular build. You can be in shape without having more cuts than a DJ. You can be fat and be fit. Nobody is going to tell Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson (well, not to his face, anyway) that he’s not fit, even though he doesn’t look like what we assume “fit” is supposed to be. Similarly, athletes like Prince Fielder were in incredible shape and able to perform to a level that most people won’t achieve… but he never looked like a Men’s Health cover model. And that’s fine because that brings us to my third thought:

Just as “being a fit guy” is going to look different to different people, so too does “guy with a hot body”. Yeah, some people are going to want Brad in all of his carved-out-of-marble-and-abs glory. Others may find him aesthetically pleasing but sexually he leaves them dryer than the Sahara or limper than overcooked linguini. Instead, they’d rather lick frosting off Paul Hollywood or ride Mark Lutton like a coin-op horsey. Some folks like ’em tall and skinny enough to wear women’s cut jeans, others want them a cuddly fat man who looks the way hugs feel. Plenty of folks are watching Letterkenny because K. Trevor Wilson is all over it and that’s what they appreciates about the show.

And of course, there’s the fact that there’s more to attraction and what you bring to the table than physical looks.

Do I think it’s pathetic or desperate to join a gym “just” to boost one’s sex life? Hell no. There’s absolutely nothing pathetic or desperate about wanting to look better, however you want to define “look better”. Wanting to look good naked is as real and valid a reason to work out as wanting to improve your cardiovascular health, improve athletic performance or putting on functional muscle. The only problems I see with it is either trying to force yourself into a build and body type that you can’t achieve or maintain, or when it starts to negatively impact your life. You can’t exercise yourself into a different frame or bone-structure, nor different genetics (which are going to be far more responsible for having visible abs than any amount of crunches). And people rarely think about how life-consuming it is to look like Captain America or Star-Lord; it’s literally their job to look like that, and none of the Chris’ (or Stephen Amell or Kumail Nanjiani or, hell, J.K. Simmons) look like superheroes when they’re not shooting movies or tv shows.

Now, if you want to cut weight or bulk up because you want to feel more attractive, by all means, go for it. If you want to hit the gym and work out because you want to fit into smaller clothes, again: you do you, man. But if you’re getting some form of regular cardio, your cholesterol and blood pressure are in healthy ranges and you’re happy with yourself over all? Then hey, you’re doing great too. But what I think will benefit you more than hitting the gym is developing some stronger boundaries and telling your friends to knock it the f--k off with all of the “get your ass to the gym or die alone” s--t. You don’t want to hear it, you don’t need them nagging you about it and frankly, you’re sick of them bringing it up over and over again, even if they think they’re doing it for your “benefit”.

And if they won’t listen when you tell them to knock it the f--k off? Then it may be time to get better friends.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’m a single female and have a lover for the last 3 years now. I could tell during the first time we hung out there was a strong mutual attraction. About 2 weeks after we first met he flirted with me hardcore and I knew he wanted something that wasn’t strictly platonic. I held off because I wanted to get to know him better and develop a real friendship. The pull was too strong and just 2 weeks after that we ended up in bed together. Since then we’ve become friends and continued our trysts whenever our schedules permitted. We don’t see each other that often, not even weekly because about 1.5 years ago he moved 2 hours away. I’m pursuing my professional goals, have always been more of an introvert and value my independence so not being in a defined relationship for long periods of time doesn’t bother me. I think what made this situation work is because he and I have a genuine attraction and connection so we focus just on enjoying one another when we do get together.

About a year after we first met, we stayed just friends for 3 months because he was dating someone. When he told me I was sad and knew I would miss him as a lover but respected his boundaries. I told him so, that I really do care about him and he wasn’t just someone I wanted only to have sex with. He never got serious with the other girl and soon enough he came over one evening for dinner and spent the night ravaging me.

It’s pretty much been the same since then, we spend weekends or get together for a week night together here and there. From what I can tell on social media there are female friends of his who he occasionally hangs out with. It always seems like its somewhat one-sided in the sense he enjoys the time spent with them. However they’re seeing the time spent together as a means to date him, which never materializes and they become extremely upset.

During this time I still meet and spend time with other guys I find interesting and are attracted to so I guess I’m not really bitten by the jealousy bug. He seems uncomfortable talking about his feelings or these kinds of situations, not that it bothers me and this suits me because I’m not looking for a serious commitment and expectations. Outside our sexual attraction to one another, we’re good friends and have a great sense of humor with each other. I’m just curious, what is your view on him? I don’t necessarily think he’s emotionally unhealthy or has an avoidant attachment style, as he’s been in 2 monogamous relationships before the last 3 years. Someone can choose to be single for long periods of time without being damaged somehow. I guess I’m wondering if I’m hindering him emotionally in some way.

Curious About My Friend

DEAR CURIOUS ABOUT MY FRIEND: Occasionally I’ll get a question from someone where the issue isn’t really with the relationship, so much with the expectations around the relationship. In fact, in my time, I’ve found that this issue comes up more and more often; the relationship itself is fine, but it’s unconventional in some way. Everybody involved is happy and satisfied. Their needs — emotionally, socially and sexually — are all being met. But because it goes against the cultural narratives of what relationships “should” be, there’s this vague, free-floating anxiety that something is wrong, somehow. Even when it isn’t.

One of the most common examples I see of this are couples who are great as friends who bang… but fight like cats and dogs when they’re “officially” dating. However, if you compare how they act as a “real” couple and when they’re nominally single, there’s no measurable difference. The only distinction between those two states is the label, with all the expectations that come with it. By getting rid of all the inherent assumptions that come with the term “boyfriend”, “girlfriend”, “husband”, “wife”, etc. they’re able to build a relationship that works for them, specifically.

Which brings me back to your situation CAMF. You and your lover clearly have a vibe that works for the two of you. You aren’t — and may never be — in a position where you could do the traditional style of relationship. So you and your guy have a situation that works. You have genuine affection and intimacy and smoking hot sex. You hang out on the regular when your schedules permit, you bang like rabbits on meth and then you do your own thing, separately. You aren’t “dating” in the classical sense but everyone seems pretty ok with the situation.

Honestly, it sounds like the only people who have a problem here are the women who think that things are leading to a relationship with him and get upset when it doesn’t.

If there’s any conflict here — for suitably small definitions of “conflict” — it’s the vague possibility that your friend’s interested in more. But then again, he might not be. If he’s uncomfortable talking about his feelings, then it could be that he is thinking that maybe you two have something different. But then again, it could also be that he has the same weird feeling you do: that he digs your arrangement but feels like he’s supposed to want or expect something more.

Now, it could be helpful to have some form of a Defining The Relationship talk, where you both sit down and make sure you’re on the same page. There’re far worse things than to say “Hey, I just want you to know: I really like what we have. It suits me down to the ground, and I want to make sure that it’s working for you, too.” I’m a big believer in using your words, instead of just relying on unspoken agreements and hoping that everyone’s in agreement. Giving him some reassurance that you’re happy, even laying out your expectations and how they’re being met and why it all works for you can go a long way to strengthening your relationship. Plus, modeling this behavior gives him the space to express any worries or concerns he has. Making it clear that you’re ready to listen could help him open up and muscle past any worries about judgement or criticism. Hell, you could even talk about this being some form of ethical non-monogamy, if that makes everyone feel better.

But if I’m being honest, it sounds like this is a case of everyone getting what they want, in a way that works for them. I don’t think you’re “hindering” him in any way or holding him back from other relationships. Rather, the only way you’re “hindering” him is by giving him a relationship that he enjoys and finds rewarding.

You’re happy. He’s happy. You clearly care for each other. You have amazing sex. You’ve both had the opportunity to pursue other relationships and ultimately haven’t. Neither of you seem to be feeling any resentment or expressing this feeling that you’re being kept from something you want.

There’re far worse things that you could do than to toss expectations aside and just embrace that you’ve got something awesome, even if it’s not standard issue.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com