DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I am making active changes in my life, for personal growth. I do dialectical behavior therapy, and have PTSD counselors. There were issues in the past and I didn’t deal with them, so my coping skills was never let me be out of control, being selfish, and lashing out. I always get defensive, try not to let anyone steamroll me. etc. This behavior has led me to ruin. It’s my own fault.

So for a year after my husband left me and divorced me, I really saw how crappy I treated him and all kinds of people. I realized that my selfish agenda was not okay and I sought help. Now in the family, I was known as the drama queen crazy, yadda yadda. Denial was my friend… Now that I am actively changing for the better, of course, no one in the family believes I can change. So, I wrote a letter to everyone that I was mean rude or just selfish (no I’m not an alcoholic but the “make amends part ” goes for mental illness, etc. ). Understanding that they may not accept my apology, I needed to say that I am sorry. So my tells me that I am still holding animosity towards one of my in-laws for something that happened 7 years ago.  The reason I brought that up is because the nasty comment she said; I pondered on why she would say that. Did I ever do something wrong to her? The issue she’s focused on is that 8 years ago, she tried to jump in to an argument with my sister and I said some really nasty things.  Fast forward, I gave her a letter, apologized  via text, in person and she still does this.

This woman (who is only family by marriage) has been gossiping about me to my ex, who I am trying to get back with. He believes her because she plays coy, innocent, sweet and quiet. It’s happened a few times. I used to be the aggressive type of communicator and that never got me anywhere. So, I become assertive and call her out on what she said. They all knew what she said to them and I found out. So I asked her, again, if she could forgive me. I am not that person anymore. Well, three folks are on her side.  I am her elder, I would have never done that to my elder.. But everyone doesn’t live life with my expectations. When she talks about me and my ex believes her, we get farther apart. How do I be so calm and not let her affect me? I want to patch up with my ex.

I have had people tell me not to be alone in the same room as her, because she twists things. It’s a fact I can’t change her mind about the changes, but she is interfering with him and I getting back together.

Please help me.

Of course someone is going to believe the quiet coy one, because in the past I was so dramatic. Being assertive hasn’t worked, she is passive aggressive and says underhanded comments. How can I show them I’m not that way anymore and I don’t know what to do about her gossiping, slander? She lives with him and her husband. I’d love it if I never had to speak to her ever again, but I can’t, since she lives with him. I’m trying to be the good Christian  unlike before.

Seriously give me a strategy please. I want to make up to my ex husband and hopefully we get back together. I know I can’t erase the selfishness, neglect, etc, but if he takes me back, I can spend the rest of my life making it up to him. 

Look At All These Rumors

DEAR LOOK AT ALL THESE RUMORS: Alright LAATR, I’m gonna level with you: you’ve got a fairly significant uphill climb here, and part of the problem you’re facing is that you’re kinda going about this the wrong way.

Now first and foremost: it’s really admirable that you’ve recognized that your behavior was unacceptable, that you’ve hurt people you’ve cared about and that you needed to make a change. Similarly, it’s admirable that you’ve been doing the work to try to get better — going to therapy, working with counselors who treat PTSD and so on. That’s all to the good. That speaks a lot to the sincerity of your emotion. It’s also good that you’ve been reaching out and apologizing for your past behavior and trying to make amends wherever possible. Trying to make things right — as best as you can, at least — is important.

But here’s the thing: doing this with an agenda beyond “working on my issues so I don’t hurt the people around me” and “make right what I put wrong” is going to throw everything off. One of the most important things you have to realize is that while you’re being sincere in your apologies and wanting to make things right… that doesn’t mean that everyone is going to believe you or accept your apology. In fact, the people you hurt may have very good reason to not believe that you’re sincere or feel like you have ulterior motives beyond making amends. They are still going to be weighing your current behavior in light of what you did before, and that’s going to make some folks hesitant to accept your apology at face value. And as much as it may hurt you if they don’t believe you, there really isn’t anything you can do to make them see that you’re sincere. And — depending on just what happened between you and them — they may not be willing or able to accept your apology. They may never be willing to accept it. And frankly, that’s their right, and you have to be willing to live with this. It absolutely sucks, but making amends and trying to do better means that you face and live with the consequences of your actions, and those consequences may mean that some folks aren’t going to trust you or take you back.

Again: it absolutely sucks, but that’s life. Sincere apologies and making amends doesn’t mean you get to skip or avoid the fallout.

And if you’re doing this with an eye towards getting your ex back… well, unfortunately, that gives everyone reason to question your sincerity.

Now I don’t know what you said to your in-law or why she’s holding onto this years later. Likewise, I can’t say whether she’s gossiping about you maliciously because F--k YOU, THAT’S WHY, or if she sincerely doesn’t trust you or sees you through the lens of how you used to be. But the simple truth is that you aren’t in any position to stop her or do anything about this. Confronting her or throwing around accusations isn’t going to help. Even under the best of circumstances, it’s just going to end up looking like you’re backsliding to how you were before. At worst, it confirms whatever she’s been saying.

You have exactly one thing you can do here: you keep doing your therapy, you keep talking to your counselor, you keep improving and you live your life. If you want people to accept that you’re sincere and that you’re trying to do better, then you have to show them through your actions. That means continuing to work towards being the person you want to be and living your life with integrity and in alignment with your values. As I’m often saying around here: deeds, not words. Talk is cheap; action is strong. If you want people to believe you, then telling them won’t work. You have to demonstrate your sincerity through your day to day life. And to be clear, this doesn’t mean making a production about “LOOK AT HOW DIFFERENT I AM, I’VE CHANGED!”, it means just being the person you want to be. You can’t try to arrange things so that your ex or folks in his circle see how different you are, you have to be different and accept that either they’ll hear about it or not. If they do, then your consistency and authenticity may — and I stress may — encourage some folks to be willing to give you another chance. But they may not, even if they believe you; they may decide that they were hurt too badly to try.

Your friends are right: you should avoid being alone with your in-law. Not just because she twists everything or what-have-you, but because there really isn’t going to be a good outcome. If she’s malicious, then she’ll lie. If she’s sincere but doesn’t trust you, she’s going to see everything in terms of how things were. And trying to get her to stop “interfering” with your ex is only going to make things worse. I understand your wanting to defend yourself but there’s simply nothing you can do that isn’t going to make things more complicated at best. Your only defense, as it were, is to live your life with integrity. You can’t change their minds for them, and you can’t get caught up trying on convincing them; that just ends up pulling you away from your goals to be a better person. Your focus needs to be on making amends where you can (and where trying to do so won’t cause more harm) and being a better person. Your ex, his family and everyone else can see how you behave now and decide what they think for themselves.

And by that same token: your improvement can’t be contingent on getting your ex back. That very well may not happen. If he decides he just can’t give you another chance, then what happens next? Are you going to throw all of your improvement aside?

Like I said: you’re doing a lot of work to be better and that’s admirable. I hope you keep at it and you continue to improve. But part of being better means taking responsibility for your actions and the consequences that came from them. If this means that your ex and other former members of your social circle aren’t willing to try again, then that’s it. It sucks, and you should mourn the loss. But the only thing to do is to keep moving forward, a little sadder and a little wiser. You’ll make other friends, meet other potential partners and — most importantly — you’ll be a better person and you won’t hurt yourself, your relationships or other people the way you did before.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I (a man) have a bit of a situation (who doesn’t). It involves a very good friend of mine and two girls. I’ve expressed a very strong interest for one of the girls to my ‘good friend.’ He said he’ll help me out with the girl (wingman-ing I guess) but I told him not to because I want to focus on myself (I go to college/university) for a little while before I go into something like this.

So anyway, after a party that happened on a Wednesday night, my friend was getting cozy with her and it made me a little depressed and betrayed. It was just cuddling or hugging but that, for her, is where the ‘seed of interest’ grows.

The conversation that we had over the phone (the night before the party) he told me she was ‘fair game.’ 

This really pissed me off because I don’t think of it as a ‘game.’ Why did he say that anyway? I feel that he likes her but he keeps on saying that she’s f--ked up over her last boyfriend. It sounds like he’s trying to push me away unconsciously or consciously so that he can get with her.

But this where it gets incredibly fascinating and where the absolute hypocrisy or inconsistency of humanity comes through. The other girl that I mentioned above (let’s call her Blondie), she made out with him at a student apartment complex after the party/club. She said that she doesn’t normally kiss other students and he says why don’t we kiss now or some s--t like that. This angered me because Blondie and I have something between us that I believe can develop, some sort of sexual tension is present as well, but she also flirts with my friend. 

And last night I got quite drunk, it was the last day of the semester/term, and my friend was basically helping me to get back to his place so I can rest there. I heard just round the corner the two of the making out and then after they were done he says ‘I’m gonna be thinking about that until Sunday.’ 

He mentioned to me before this mess that his friend was performing his poetry somewhere and he asked if I wanted to come but I declined and instead he’s taking her.

When I asked him about it whilst he was taking me home, he denied it and then he brushed it off like it meant nothing and kept on saying ‘she doesn’t want to get with any of us’ (meaning any of the guys in our college). They’re clearly going to get together and I feel like I’m nothing. 

The thing is SHE KNOWS I like her because my friend let it slip that I liked her. She’s playing a game, I believe, because before I got wasted she proposed that she wants to go have drinks at some bar or pub with both of us. Two guys and one girl – with her knowing everything. I got wasted on college premises with some of the really attractive lecturers. (Irrelevant – they are so hot it’s unbelievable, also my friend had our English lecturer grind on him at the club/party on Wednesday night)

F--k man, what am I to do? I thought about pursuing Blondie but I don’t know, when I see her, I see his face up against hers – kissing.

– Waiting To Start

DEAR WAITING TO START: K, you have more than one question buried in here and frankly I kind of needed to diagram the list of who’s doing what to whom, so let’s take it from the start.

So we have you, Waiting, who chose – and made it known that you had chosen – to focus on your studies instead of pursuing girls. Fair enough: that’s a viable choice and potentially quite a wise one, depending.

Then we have your buddy, who I will dub Player-1 for convenience’s sake, who has made the opposite choice: he’s quite content to go about trying to meet women, get make-outs, etc.

Then we have these two girls, Cuddles and Blondie. Am I correct so far?

So Player-1 offered to help you hook up with one of these women; contextually I’m assuming you mean Blondie, but it could equally apply to both. Ok, cool; your friend is offering to help you out. This is the mark of a good friend. You refused his help because – according to you – you’d rather be getting your studies in order. Again, a valid choice.

However: choices come with consequences. And in your case, you actively chose not to pursue these women. So when you catch Player-1 and Cuddles on the couch together, you may get jealous… but that could have been you on there. Player-1 may have been a little crass in telling you that she was “fair game” because there’s nothing women love more than being reduced to an object with no animus, but he’s not wrong. He’s not saying that it’s a game (or that he’s running game), he’s saying that she’s not attached to anyone and thus is free to cuddle with whomever she wants. He’s not trying to push you away, he was giving you a chance to say “No, wait, I want to go after her”, and that if you didn’t, he wasn’t going to hold back about making his move.

Then there’s Blondie. You like her. You think she likes you. You know that she knows that you like her because Player-1 accidentally passed her a note after gym class. You know that she knows that you know that she knows that you… sorry, got lost there for a second.

You think something could (please note that word very carefully) develop with her. But… you haven’t pursued it. In fact, you’ve actively chosen not to pursue it.

I think you see where this is about to go, right?

Right now, you have two problems. The first is that you’re getting upset over a situation that’s ultimately of your own making.

Blondie may or may not like you, but she clearly also likes Player-1, who – wait for it, wait for iiiit… – made his move and, thus, got the make-out at the party.

You see, your friend understands something that I’ve said over and over again: you don’t get to call dibs on people. And evidently I have to drive this home one more f--king time because you’re getting a whole lot of butt-hurt over the fact that Player-1 isn’t respecting your “dibs” on Cuddles or Blondie. Except: he has.

Player-1 has made every possible overture to you regarding both Blondie and Cuddles. He specifically offered to help you hook up with Blondie. He went out of his way  to give you a chance to change your mind about Cuddles. Both times, you said “no”. Your friend has gone above and beyond when it comes to getting the all-clear from you when he didn’t have to and you gave it to him. If you’re going to make a point of wanting to focus on your studies instead of pursuing a relationship (or at least sloppy make-outs) then you can’t expect the world to go on pause until you’re ready. Everybody else has lives that don’t revolve around yours and they’re free to make their own choices that don’t involve you. Player-1 invited you to his friend’s poetry reading. You – again – said “no”, so he asked Blondie.

The fact that you may like Blondie is all well and good, but it’s meaningless when it’s not backed up by any action on your part. Your interest in her doesn’t project a magical dick-repelling force-field or inscribe a rune on her forehead that says “Wating To Start Was Here First, Back off”. You think something could grow if you pursued it… and you chose not to pursue it.

The second problem is that you’re assuming conspiracies and mind-games where there really isn’t any evidence. The issue isn’t that people are gaming you, the issue is that you’re jealous and you’re trying to rationalize why you “lost”.

Maybe Cuddles isn’t interested in dating anyone because she’s not over her last boyfriend. That doesn’t mean that a) she doesn’t appreciate some physical affection now and then or b) that your buddy is trying to keep you away from her. People – especially in college – can enjoy some no-strings attached cuddling or make-outs even if they don’t want to pursue an active relationship with the person they’re making out with… or anyone at all.

Same with Blondie. She enjoys hanging out with you. She clearly enjoys Player-1’s company. She knows that you and Player-1 are friends. Which seems more likely: that she’s f--king with your head or she just wants to get drinks with a couple of friends?

(Of course, option 3 could very well be “she’s hoping to hook up with both of you“, but this is Ask Dr. NerdLove and not Penthouse Forum)

Maybe Player-1 is right. Maybe she doesn’t want to date anyone at your university. This doesn’t mean she might not want to f--k them.

And let’s not forget that you were drunk when you asked him about it.

The thing to keep in mind is that you’re assuming that you could have something with her. You don’t know this. She may be a flirty person. She may have been interested in you, but when you never made a move, she assumed you weren’t interested and moved on. She may not have been interested in you in the first place and you were seeing things that weren’t there. Ultimately it doesn’t matter because the only way you could find out was to – and I’m going to say it again – make a move and ask her out.

You chose not to. 

Now you can choose to change your mind and make your play –knowing full well that she likes Player-1. That’s up to you. But let’s not pretend that this is all the result of Player-1 trying to edge you out and steal everything you’ve ever wanted.

If you want my advice: let it go. Let it all go. Player-1 has been more of a friend to you than you’re willing to acknowledge. It’s understandable that you’re jealous of him getting to do what you wanted – that’s just human nature – but he made his move and you chose not to.

There will be other women. There will be more opportunities. Player-1 may well be willing to help you out – again. 

And when those women come around and those opportunities arise, you have to make your choice.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com

DEAR DR. NERDLOVE: I’ve been an avid reader of work for quite some time, and really tried to incorporate a more open-minded and exploratory approach to meeting others and developing my social skills. I find however that despite my best efforts…my bitterness/frustration isn’t getting better.

I didn’t expect overnight success in dating or in personal outlook (especially when the pandemic has decimated social activity), but I can’t help feeling the things I know are wrong or unproductive. Maybe it’s because I struggle finding people I’m compatible with (lots of sports/country music/mudding/quadding enthusiasts in my area, not my dig), or maybe the demographics aren’t in my favour (lots of single moms in my area, no thanks). I’ve actively sought out social groups before the pandemic and now through digital events, but I just didn’t find a possible relationship.

I know I’m not perfect (overweight, live at home still) and my flaws don’t define me, but they still nag at me and discourage me more often than not. My work schedule doesn’t allow me to go to exercise classes, and I get mad at myself for not working out at home. I want to dress better, but fewer and fewer of my clothes fit. I want to meet new people, but I see nothing on Meetup/Facebook local that interests me. I find my friends talk about grown-up stuff like buying appliances or tending their gardens, but I don’t have much to offer in those conversations. I just feel various things that still remind me I’m not “where I need to be in life” (which of course is a bullshit thing to think).

Ultimately, I’m trying to fight back against the things I don’t like about myself, but I’m starting to feel out of my depth. When does the momentum start working FOR me and not AGAINST me?

Sincerely,

Escape From Jerkbrain

DEAR ESCAPE FROM JERKBRAIN: Well, EFJ, you’ve already zeroed in on what’s wrong. It’s very much just a case of your jerkbrain f--king with you. The question, of course, is what do you do about all of this?

Yes, observations like this this are why I get paid the tall blogging dollar. Roll with me here.

You’re very in your head right now, and that’s kind of a problem. See, the issue is that you’re getting locked into a very specific thought pattern. You’re looking at your circumstances and, since you aren’t seeing an immediately obvious solution, you’re getting frustrated. Case in point, exercise and clothes. These are fairly solvable problems, if you don’t limit yourself to what feels like a fairly narrow perspective.

The first and most obvious thing is that not looking like a Hemsworth isn’t an automatic disqualifier. There are people who like dudes who look the way hugs feel, after all. But let’s say that you really want to work on your overall fitness, regardless of looks. Your current work schedule doesn’t allow for exercise classes, which is legit; that’s one of the things that can be hard to shift around. But the issue isn’t finding the time to exercise — you could exercise at home — but the will to do so. You’re running into issues of actually motivating yourself to work out at home. The question, then, is what are you doing instead of exercising and why? The why is important, because that gets into the meat of the issue. One of the things that trips people up when it comes to start self-improvement isn’t finding the time, it’s a matter of priorities. If you’re having an an issue fitting something — exercise, in this case — into your schedule, it’s usually because of a question of conflicting priorities; there are things you are unwilling to give up in exchange for the time to exercise. Sometimes that’s things like sleep or food prep. Other times, it’s leisure activities or even just farting around on the Internet. You, for personal reasons, prioritize those activities over working out. And to be clear: I’m not judging you on this. There are reasons why X, Y or Z are a higher priority for you and that’s legit.

However, examining why those are a higher priority can help you figure out where or how you want to shift things around. Maybe you’re doing X at a time when you might otherwise be working out because it’s how you decompress after work. Or Y is part of how you socialize with friends. But Z may be because of force of habit or getting caught in a negative loop (constantly refreshing Facebook, even though you’re bored and don’t actually care). You might feel intimidated and overwhelmed by the idea of starting a workout regimen and you go do something else to relieve that stress instead. Or, hell, you might have issues with executive dysfunction and can’t get the neurons that control the desire to exercise to fire.

Once you understand the reason, you can use that to figure out how to switch exercise in. For example, I have TV shows and podcasts that are specifically for when I work out; I don’t watch them unless I’m on the elliptical or listen to them if I’m not going for a hike. Pairing the two together makes it easier to motivate myself to exercise. If it’s a question of intimidation, then the best thing is to simplify things. Having a structured exercise plan can help; systems like Couch to 5k or Zombies, Run can break the process into easily digestible chunks that build on one another. Or you might simply just take time to go for walks; an hour of walking burns the same calories as a half-hour of jogging, and the recovery period is much faster.

Clothing is a similar issue. You want to dress better, but your clothes don’t fit well right now. The answer is obvious: new clothes. But if you’re hoping to lose weight, wouldn’t you want to wait until you’re at the weight you want to go clothes shopping? The truth is… not really, no. One of the mistakes people make is that they are putting off feeling good about themselves and assigning it to their Future Self. But that Future Self is never going to manifest; you end up finding reasons to kick that Future Self further and further down the road. You’ll want to wait until you’ve dropped X pounds… but then you’ll want to wait until you’ve built up Y muscle… and then develop your social skills. And it’s hard to stay motivated to do any of that when you feel like a big sack of crap otherwise. Dressing well now, even when you want to be in different shape, is important because it makes you feel better. How you dress is an external display of how you feel about yourself; dress like crap and you show that you feel like crap. But this works both ways; if you dress up sharp, you start feeling better about yourself. It’s a trick called “enclothed cognition”, where the symbolism and associations of the clothes affect your behavior, emotional state and performance. So getting some nice clothes now can help spur you to work harder to get to where you want to be. And starting off with, say, a vest and dress shirts from a vintage clothing store and getting them tailored to fit (which is cheaper than you’d think) goes a long way for less money. This gives you some clothes to wear that are sharp, distinct and a step up from your basic t-shirt and jeans combo.

(Plus, the vest/shirt combo helps break up the lines of your body and creates a visual slimming effect. So it’s win/win/win).

This narrow perspective also affects how you’re taking the way your friends talk about their interests. You’re seeing your lack of experience or facility with those topics as proof that you have nothing to offer or that you are insufficiently “grown up”. But the thing is: contributing to the conversation doesn’t mean that you need to have stunning insights or clever observations. You don’t have to be “on the same level” as everyone else to take part. Contributing to the conversation can also be asking questions and showing interest. Asking your buds about things like, say, starting a garden is a way of contributing to the conversation and developing a new hobby or interest. And that, in turn, can help you find interest groups that would make it easier to meet people with like-minded interests.

Taking that same approach — coming at the issue from a different angle — helps with meeting people (including potential partners) or finding groups you want to take part in. Trying groups that aren’t directly related to your interests, but seem like worth exploring can help you explore your passions and become a more interesting and well-rounded person. By that same token, going to those groups doesn’t mean you’re going to meet potential partners. You’re going to meet people in general. But by meeting those people and making new friends, you’re increasing your social circle, which, in turn, means you’re likely to meet more of their friends. You may not meet the love of your life at a weekend Meetup… but you may meet the folks who will introduce you to them.

And don’t forget: people contain multitudes. They may be into sports, but that doesn’t mean they’re not also into tabletop RPGs or Fellini movies or what-have you. Hell, fantasy sports league isn’t that far from a lot of RPG systems or strategy games. If you can follow the DOTA or League of Legends meta, you can run a fantasy football team.

Now let’s say that you do all of this and, by this time next year, you haven’t found a partner yet. Well, the worst case scenario is that you’ve made your life more vibrant and interesting and put yourself in a better position to find someone. At that point, if you decide to pull up stakes and try moving to a place where the demographics are more to your liking — a very legitimate reason to move, by the way — then you’ve laid down a foundation that will make it much easier for you to hit the ground running in that new town. You’ll have made yourself a more compelling person, developed the habits and skills that will enable you to build a new social circle and make new friends, and you’ll have built up your confidence and self-assurance that is so incredibly attractive.

So, really, it’s a can’t-lose proposition. Take a little time, do some self-examination to figure out what precisely is causing you to hold off on starting some of those changes and then make a plan. Keep it simple to avoid overload and burnout, take it at a measured pace and focus on feeling as good about yourself in the now as you will in the future. Build that interesting and varied life and you’ll find that the rest will come far, far easier.

Good luck.

Please send your questions to Dr. NerdLove at his website (www.doctornerdlove.com/contact); or to his email, doc@doctornerdlove.com